He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
