Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i barfeds in our rink
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
