So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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