i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
