Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
