My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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