Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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