How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm always down for nudity.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
