yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
