I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize