were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
