Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
