I wish I could punch you in the face.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
