There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
