listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
