i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
