Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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