So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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