I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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