i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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