Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
