12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
