I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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