So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
