just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
