I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
