My liver just broke up with me...
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
