I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
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