Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
she told me i tasted like america
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize