Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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