Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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