I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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