How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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