My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
