my room smells like sperm. sweet.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
