I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
