Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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