apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
