I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
