youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
