Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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