Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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