Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize