the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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