my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
