I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
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