Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Houston, we have a blender
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
