Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I FOUND THE LEGS
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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