I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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