I didn't shave. On purpose
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
