It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize