It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
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