my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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