my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
