Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He uses pillows to masturbate.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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