and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
