can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
