Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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