I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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