you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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