Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
