A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize