i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
