so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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